hobbits go wild
by wrongeyedjesus
Summary: yeah, ok...first time and all... probably awful , but kinda funny. taking the mick and what not. slash btw, dont like dont read. slight AU. REVIEW!
1. revelations

Disclaimer: I own zilch, nayda, nothing. So do not complain.

MY version of what happens next...with smut added in. (Grace I would like to point out this is all your fault. And possibly Gavia's.)

_ The story begins in a small town called Hobbiton, which is full of Hobbits, (surprisingly enough) One of them, Frodo, is writing a letter to his mother..._

'Dear mum. Its great here now Sauron is dead and Samwise has another person to dote upon. (It's not I don't like him, he just is too, well... I don't know...clingy). Merry and Pippin are coming over; they have some important news apparently. Anyway, one of my many girlfriends is coming over for dinner. Here she is now.

Your son, Frodo.'

"There, that'll keep the old hag quiet for a week or so." He chuckled to himself and put on the one grin he was very good at, a grin that said that he was mentally unstable and yet new exactly what he was on at the same time (very disturbing). Then he went on about his business and although Merry had said they would eat before they came, Frodo knew that Pippin would profess a much different state of affairs...

Frodo didn't, and never had had a girlfriend. He just said that to keep his mum happy and make her think he would carry on the family name, but, quite honestly, the girls in Hobbiton were just too damn girly. Suddenly, Merry and Pippin burst through the round door, in a huge grinning mass with curls that was the two of them.

"So," said Pippin looking around wistfully" How about lunch then, if it isn't to much to ask..."

"Not at all. Have a seat. So, you said you had some important news..." Said Frodo, wondering what the hell his cousin had done this time.

"Yes we do" said Merry, mouth half full of food" We have decided, to break the law…aaaannnd…he paused dramatically fall in love!"

"It's the ultimate plan," said Pippin, matter of factly, casually slipping his hand under the table onto who knows where," Merry and I are going to go off and fall in love there by damaging Hobbitons peace so much, that we might get...a ...a warning"

Frodo thought about this for a moment, trying to compute fully what had just come out (literally), and then said"Merry, I trust you and Pip are going to broadcast your...erm...new found...erm...love to the whole of Hobbiton? Well, what I want to know is why"

"Cause we are in love. Spending so much time on the back of an Urich Haii really taught us about ourselves, we really bonded, ye know" Merry paused and then asked Frodo tentativly, but with a small, all-knowing smile on his face"I mean take you and Samwise for example."

"What about me and Sam"

"Well, its kinda obvious that… well...maybe you were a bit _more_ than just good friends...?" Pippin said wistfully, picking up on Merry's wavelength.

"NO! NOTHING ever has happened between Samwise and me. U uh, no way José." Said Frodo with a look of complete horror on his face as he visualized this thought…urgh…oh the images…

"Nothing! Ever?" Asked Pippin, with an air of incredulity.

"No, never. And there never will be. I already AM in love" Said Frodo, as a dreamy look passed across his face.

"With who Frodo? With who? Tell us please" Asked Merry and Pippin, heir eyes full of glee at the fact that their friend and cousin might actually be about to get some. They loved dear Frodo an awful lot, but his procrastination in this area was, quite frankly, embarrassing.

"The elf..."trailed Frodo, who was still occupying his dream world, in which not only did the elf reside, but he resided as a strictly kinky elf. Not many people knew that Frodo loved the idea of kinkiness…and I can't believe that is actually a word or it would have come up on spell check. Heh heh, kinkiness…

"What? Legolas" Chorused Merry and his Lover together.

That exact and fateful moment, Gandalf the white walked through the door...

_ To be continued..._

_ok...first try, if it was awful please inform by way of review and I will amend my evil ways._


	2. mental anguish and giggling

Review please!

_Last time in Hobbiton, Merry and Pippin had confessed their love, as did Frodo, when Gandalf the Wizard walked in..._

"What's going on in here" Asked Gandalf, in a surprisingly calm voice, since he had just heard two love confessions and had already noticed the fact that Merry had his hand up the back of Pippin's shirt.

"Erm...not…um…much...um...didn't expect to see you for a while...um …I'd have made more food if I'd known...um…" trailed Frodo lamely, going a slight tomatoish colour. Pippin and Merry removed their hands from various places on their persons and stood trying to look slightly innocent, but sadly, failing.

"What's this talk I heard as I walked though the door of love? Getting married to a nice young hobbit girl are we?' Bout time too, in my opinion, cause by the time I was your age Frodo, I had many a girl chasing after me!" Said Gandalf, making the poor hobbits even more uncomfortable at the sheer thought of Gandalf in any relationship…euch...

"Well...um...it isn't girls _exactly_...just um…well us...really..."Said Pippin meekly, as Merry nodded fervently along to his words.

"Yup, that's correct Pip, just us." Put in Merry, in agreement with his new-found-love and co-antagonizer. Gandalf pondered this quietly for half a second before realization dawned.

"My my! You two! It can't be done! It..."

But Merry interrupted Gandalf short and said"Oh believe me, it CAN" Said Merry with a look of pure love and lust at Pippin.

Frodo just stood there, waiting his turn on the rack. Gandalf looked shocked at the two smug lovers. They knew about something Gandalf did not, it was one of their great triumphs.

"Well...I never. Might have known some tomfoolery of this sort from you two Peregrine and Merriadoc" But now Gandalf's piercing gaze rested on the one hobbit not to say anything, Frodo. He loved Frodo like a son, and now seemed like a good time for a long and meaningful chat. He did not want those idiots to rub their low morals on to his ring bearer.

"Out of here you two. I need to speak with Frodo"

Frodo gulped and wondered what the hell would happen next, it's not as if only one elf in the whole of Middle Earth went under the name Legolas…hopefully...

Gandalf sat down heavily and looked at Frodo with caring eyes, he hoped it was not too late to save his friend. "Well, they will be in trouble, I should think. " He paused as he noticed just how uncomfortable the blue-eyed hobbit looked"Frodo, I must ask you not to go down the same path as that pair, please uphold your righteousness…"

Frodo tuned out the wizened wizard's words and hummed a tune in his head. Gandalf finished his speech on what was morally proper and then left Bag End and Frodo to his tune.

_Soon, in the house of the Tooks, some way away, two young hobbits discussed their futures…_

"We have to tell people, there ain't no other way Merry. I…" He stopped abruptly as Frodo, tears streaming down his face, burst through the door.

"He…He...He…He said…"Stuttered the inconsolable hobbit"He said I can't...he said he would be angry if...I...if...I…" He broke into another bout of sobbing. Pippin threw his arms around his cousin, and Merry patted his shoulder in an attempt to be consoling. He wasn't particularly good at these kinds of situations.

"If there is anything we could do to help…anything at all" Asked Pippin, trying to mop up his cousin's tears with a flower-patterned hankie.

"There is one thing...I wondered if...um...I could…well…I understand if you don't want me too…" trailed Frodo, as he sat up and blew his nose.

" Anything Hun, anything at all. If it makes you feel better we will do anything at all," promised Pippin. Merry was still patting Frodo's shoulder dispassionately.

Frodo looked up, a slight twinkle in his eyes, "Anything?" He asked hopefully, a small smile playing on his lips. Merry found this slightly disconcerting and immediately stopped patting his shoulder. Pippin also looked slightly shocked at his older cousin's sudden change.

" You're just looking for sex, aren't you?" Pippin cried incredulously.

Frodo's smile became wider and he replied in a quiet, calm voice, "Well, you did say _anything _to make me feel better. Or did you not mean anything you said?"

Pippin flustered for a moment, his mouth opening and closing. Merry thought he looked rather sweet, in a fishy sort of way. After about two minutes of Pippin floundering, Merry getting turned on and Frodo giggling, Pippin said in an exasperated voice,

"But…but…you were in emotional anguish! I was trying to ease your pain! Don't just sit there and giggle!" He cried as Frodo collapsed to the floor from laughing so hard.

"You…are…so…grown…up! You remind…me…of…my mother!" Gasped out Frodo in between laughs.

Pippin just gaped at Frodo some more before turning to Merry,

"Dearest love, I don't exactly see you helping any!" He said angrily.

Merry snapped out of his reverie in which various items of clothing were no longer on Pippin, and looked at his angry boyfriend.

"Frodo…um…well…" Merry gestured a bit and then said to Pippin, " I'm afraid I just cannot get through to him at all…maybe we should just…play along?" He asked hopefully.

Pippin threw up his arms in defeat and went to go put the kettle on. It was going to be a _very_ long night.

lil' rook: thanks for the review, nice of you to say. I wrote that about a year ago, so if spelling is awful, then oh well. And about legolas and frodo, no idea is the answer. I'm yet to decide on that one.


	3. i want my trousers!

_Last time in this hobbity little place, Gandalf got disturbed, Frodo got kinky, Merry got turned on and Pippin put the kettle on…_

Gandalf folded up the yellowy parchment and rooted around his desk for an envelope. He had decided to take action, it was for his friends own good. Gandalf did not know if he could bear it if it got out that the savior of all Middle Earth, Gandalfs hallowed little pawn, was a fruit loop. He would be the laughing stock of the entire wizarding community, and he couldn't have that. Gandalf quite enjoyed the new popularity; it brought with it wild parties and many a shaggable young maiden who would happily throw herself at any famous person in her line of sight. He was a celebrity, and by the gods it was going to stay that way or something would have to explode.

Frodo stretched and sighed contentedly; he had had both his cousins in the one night, which he believed was extremely impressive for any fifty year old. He noticed that Pip was already up, "probably scrubbing his skin to pieces in an attempt to get 'clean' after his escapades last night", thought Frodo, as he smiled satisfactorily at the memory of the previous night. Merry was still snoring loudly in the rumpled bed, and Frodo decided he would let Merry's stomach to wake him up rather than having to deal with a disgruntled (and most likely sore) cousin.

As he wandered through the sparse trees surrounding his home, Frodo looked for all the world the perfect picture of mature innocence. Everyone in Hobbiton knew that he had never had a lady friend, and they were beginning to accept that due to the ring and all that jazz, he probably never would. What many people didn't know was that Frodo was in fact a kinky little thing with a penchant for blondes and leather. Which was exactly why he had set his heart on the oh so wonderful and oh so unattainable Legolas.

Suddenly Aragorn stepped out in front of his friend and picked him up, as he had not quite had time to look up before he whapped right into Aragorn's legs. Aragorn cleared his throat nervously and said in a small, hopeful voice,

"This is Mary, Frodo…and I uh…I thought you two might have a little in common…erm…" Aragorn lost his train of thought and just looked pleadingly at the girl while Frodo stood tapping his foot, studying his nails and raising his eyebrow. All the girl did was give Aragorn a disgusted look, handed him back some rolled up notes from down her top and took off haughtily in the opposite direction.

"It was worth a try, don't worry, I don't really mind. So Gandalf told you then, hmm?" asked Frodo genially with a small smile on his lips. Aragorn blushed and rubbed his hands together and tried to feel less uncomfortable.

"Well, um, he was, um, rather brief, but, um, he sounded, um, most concerned for your welfare, um…" said Aragorn in an attempt to defend the White wizard. Frodo just raised his eyebrow and laughed, Aragorn really was helpless when it came to matters of the heart.

A short, pissed off mass of golden curls zoomed out of nowhere and rugby tackled Frodo to the ground. On closer inspection, the short pissed off mass of golden curls turned out to be Pippin. Merry followed at a more leisurely pace.

Merry nodded at Aragorn in greeting and said, "Sorry if we were interrupting something, it's just, Pippin wants his trousers back, Frodo must have got the wrong ones when he got up this morning." Aragorn turned and looked Merry with an expression of shock. In the background Pippin had managed to get Frodo's belt undone and was attacking his buttons fervently.

"Whaaaa?" spluttered Aragorn helplessly, his mouth opening and closing. Merry's cheeks started to go red as the Kings fishy behaviour was turning him on. Aragorn turned away from Merry, as he could get no answer out of the day dreaming, fish fancying hobbit. Unfortunately, by this point, Pippin had Frodo's trousers off down to his ankles and was crying out,"Get out of these trousers now God damn you!" at the top of his voice, while Frodo giggled insanely on the ground. Aragorn felt helpless, as only someone who had defeated all manner of evil things and was considered the bravest, most valiant man alive can. After all, he was witnessing two hobbits wrestle over a pair of trousers, now that **is** a scary image.

Spying on the group from the edge of the woods was an old man in a very conspicuous pointy hat (he had tried to make it less so by sticking a branch to it and some grass, but had failed miserably.) "Hmmph" he muttered in a secretive way before adding, "the failure! Blast his sons to Hades!" Suddenly in a puff of glitter, the man in the conspicuous pointy hat, vanished.

_To be continued…._

Review please!


	4. I'm a PIMP

Thanks to people who have reviewed, but if you haven't…REVIEW!

_We begin today in one of the many glades of Mirkwood, where an elfish prince was entertaining some special guests…_

"And then I smashed in his head with my fist and ripped out his insides with my knife. After that all the Orcs were too afraid to come anywhere near me, so I just took out an oliphant in thirty seconds flat for fun."

"Oh Legolas, you are soooo brave!" Squealed the blonde girl to his right, while the brunette to the left looked on adoringly.

"Don't forget handsome," added Legolas happily. The ring thing had really paid off. Now he was an internationally renowned pretty boy and hero and he had all the girls he wanted, which was currently about twenty. They were all seated together in a natural hot spring. Several of the girls had protested it was too hot for their swimwear even and had stripped off. He had to do this more often.

Suddenly, a sturdy mass of ginger braids and iron stepped into the glade.

"Bloody hell Elf-boy, where the hell did this lot come from?" Asked Gimli, eyeing the sea of naked and nearly naked bodies before him. "Ye in there somewhere Elf? I can't tell 'cause to me you're as a big a girl as the rest of them."

Legolas huffed in indignation and thought about shooting Gimli. It might scare off the ladies though, so he just climbed out of the pool in as haughty and annoyed a manner as possible.

"What do you want Dwarf, I haven't got all day…" Legolas drawled unhappily.

"Sorry to take ye away from yer duties as 'pimp'," said Gimli, trying not to laugh. "Its Aragon's birthday next week and I was wonderin' if ye were goin' to grace us with yer presence or no."

Legolas turned to his devoted girls and asked loudly, "Up for a party ladies?" They chorused a 'yes' as one and then turned to each other to discuss what they should wear.

"I'll come, can't disappoint my girls, can I?" Said Legolas with a smile. He had more women than Gimli and he was proud of it.

"Eh…one more thing Elf," said Gimli just as he turned to leave. Legolas raised a questioning eyebrow. Gimli leaned forward conspiratorially and asked in small voice, "Why have none of yer women got any hair? They look a bit weird t'me and they say hair is a sign of virility these days. Just to mention, ye know?" And with that he turned and strode purposefully out of the glade.

Legolas climbed back into the pool and while one of his women massaged his feet and another braided his hair, he pondered Gimli's words. He looked about him at the mass of beautiful, shaggable women before him and shook his head. He was just jealous of all my babes, thought Legolas, and he relaxed inside.

One thought kept permeating his mind, demanding to not be ignored any longer: 'What if that means I'm uncool?'


End file.
